The 1° Turn for Lasting Change

How did I know my life as it was didn’t work anymore? I think it is safe to say there is a problem when you know you can’t go to sleep without taking ten different vitamins and pills.

Or, when I'm driving to a yoga class and realize I forgot to take my Adderall so I turn the car around and I’m late for the class, which is supposed to help my focus and bring me into the present.

Or maybe it was when I got so hyper-focused on one task that I forgot to pick up my kid. But none of these signs stopped me.

Feeling Overly Dependent on Adderall

When the pills started to take over how I did anything in life, I knew I needed to make a change, but the medicine controlled me.

I was scared to go to sleep at night without aid for fear I might wind up being awake for the rest of my life. And I couldn’t stop the Adderall because I believed I would be unemployed for the rest of my days because of a lack of focus. Without the medicine, I thought I couldn’t start anything, let alone finish it.

When I say my medication was something I thought about all day long, that is an understatement.

I would reach for the light brown bottle of pills when I woke up in the morning and every time I put my head on my pillow. The pills made me productive, but they also controlled my life and, in most cases, my mood. I don’t consider myself angry or impatient, but two doses of Adderall in a day flipped a switch to only those two emotions.

I'd gotten to the point that these pills (Adderall in the day and Trazodone at night) were my dirty little secret. While I would tell people that I was ADHD and on medication, I told no one, including my doctors and partner, how much I was taking. I felt like these pills were the key to my everyday survival in my hectic life as a working mom of two small children in school. I didn’t want medication to control me, but I also surrendered to the fact that it was my reality.

Stolen Focus

About a year ago, I had two days on the road to get my car from here to there, and a friend had recommended that I listen to the book "Stolen Focus" by Johann Hari. I’ve never been an audiobook person, but I thought I'd try it.

As I started to listen to this book, I couldn’t stop. It felt as if Hari was talking directly to me.

The book was about our focus, the systemic problem we have as a society, and what has happened to focus since the age of the internet. It touches on social media, ADHD, focus issues, and how to solve problems in today’s world.

I hung on to every word in the book like my life depended on it. It was as if my own transformation was happening with each mile my car drove.

I had no idea how I was going to change my patterns, but after completing this book, I knew I couldn’t keep taking my medication.

My Journey

So, I stopped taking the sleeping pills the night I finished the book. Although my sleep wasn’t great for the first two nights, I kept with it, and by night three, I had the best night’s sleep of my life.

On the second day, I stopped taking Adderall, and instead of staring at my computer, not able to get anything started, I did what I could. For the first week, I’m not going to lie; I felt weird. My brain felt as if I was in a permanent state of waking up from a mid-day nap. I was groggy, out of it, and felt like it was hard to string sentences together.

Then, one side of my brain felt activated, like it was in a washing machine or being bubbled up in a soda stream, while the other half of my brain felt dead. Instead of reaching for the pills to take the feeling away, I walked in nature, took naps, read fiction, and played with my kids. The nap-like state subsided after a couple of days. Just a week later, I was getting better sleep than I ever imagined, getting up before my alarm, feeling rested and alive, and getting enough done in a day’s work. 

And I did all of this with, might I say, more focus and clarity than before.

Where I'm at Now

I’m still officially off all of the medication, and I can’t imagine a world in which I go back. I wake up on my own every morning, writing Morning Pages, and easing into my day before the kids wake up. 

Am I still ADHD? Absolutely! Do I still have to be creative when planning my day and life? You betcha’! I’ve realized that my medicine is a good night’s sleep. A good night’s sleep is more potent than any focus drug. My focus drug is exercise, which is more potent than any stimulant.

All You Need is a 1° turn

My main point is this change felt so far away for decades until it wasn’t. I felt like my life needed a complete 180° shift, but all it needed was a 1° turn.  Once the catalytic event happened, which in my case was reading "Stolen Focus," the change was there for me to reach, and it happened fast.

So, what have I learned?

The Power of a Catalytic Event

If you really want to make a change, you need a catalytic event that makes you realize you can’t go back

Change is Not Far Away

Change is often not as far away as we think.

Change in the Present, not Future

The fear of change is the most challenging part because fear is always a future state. When change happens, something present, magical, and unbelievably human emerges.

Humans Adapt

Humans don’t want to suffer and remain in what isn’t working. If we believa change needs to happen with complete conviction, there's no doubt that the catalytic event to spark that change is right around the corner.

Change as Empowerment

When the change happens, it'll be hard. But you will quickly realize you can do it. Realizing you can do something is the most empowering place a human can be.